Yes. I'm fat. I'm not being mean to myself. I'm accepting responsibility for my current state. I get winded when walk up a flight of stairs or take a shower. I break into a full-body sweat whenever I exert myself, even when I'm shopping. *gasp* It is because of these things that I now admit I am fat.
For the last 6 years, I have had many excuses and reasons for my weight.
- I had two full-term pregnancies. The first one ended in a stillbirth and much depression. But, even with that, I was able to get my weight down to within 35lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight. I had another full-term pregnancy. This ended with a beautiful baby girl and much frustration from hubs, lovingly known as McGrump, because he was no longer the sole focus of my love and attention. He spent an average of 3-4 nights a week out of the house for the first five years of her life. About that time, I drew attention to his absenteeism during one of our many fights and he reduced that to 2-3 nights a week instead. Recently, he has been home more and more. I actually don't know how to handle it as I have become very used to him being gone.
- I have a lazy thyroid known as hypothyroid. It causes my hair to fall out, my skin to dry out, achy joints, fatigue and, yes, weight gain. By the time they had my thyroid under control, I had put on 50 lbs from my post baby weight (which was 35lbs heavier than my pre-baby weight). Even with that, I was able to, once again, bring my weight down that 50lbs with the help of appetite suppressants.
- The thing that truly changed the tide was the fact that I suffer from chronic sinus infections and regularly needed steroids which increased my appetite. I developed some very bad eating habits as a result of this.
- To compound my poor eating habits, I received a position on a project team at work to install an electronic health record application at the hospital I work for. We worked 16-18 hours days. They provided full, heavy meals with high-quality desserts since we weren't able to leave our desks. A sudden desire for coffee to keep me awake turned into the fru-fru coffees because I don't actually like coffee. The second installation was not as bad but I was already far down the path to bad eating. By the time the installs were done, I had passed my pre-appetite suppressant weight.
- My chronic sinus infections left me feeling dizzy may times. I convinced myself that, if I ate something heavier, I would feel better. (WRONG!)
- Under all of this was my anxiety disorder adding to my already existing stress. To cope with the stress, I snacked.
So, here we are today. I am 130lbs heavier today than I was pre-baby, 85lbs heavier than my lowest post-baby weight and 115lbs heavier than my goal weight. I'm starting over because I have a 10yr old daughter and I want to see her grow up. I'm starting over because I don't feel good. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs.
I turn 47 tomorrow. My birthday gift to myself will be the gift of health. I will stop snacking. I will eat more salads and vegetables. I will begin visiting the health club. I will wear my FitBit and make an real effort to increase my steps every day until I'm at 10,000 and then I will make an effort to stay there. I will feel comfortable in my own skin once again.
